Category Archives: Lesbianism 101

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

It’s been quite tantalizing in the news lately, as far as lady bits are concerned. The Journal of Sexual Medicine recently confirmed lesbians experience the most orgasms, while Cosmo provided us with 28 mind-blowing lezzie sex positions. Whew! I’m getting hot already!

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The Numbers Are In…

Like we really needed science to tell us that we rule in bed. I suppose I can only speak from my own experience, but my lady can attest that I never leave her hanging. And, well, I always get mine as well. Often more than once.

According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine,

Researchers collected responses via a 2011 online questionnaire from 6,151 men and women between the ages of 21 and 65. They then only analyzed those responses of a smaller subsample of 2,850 singles — including 1,497 men and 1,353 women — who had sex within the past 12 months. Participants were asked to identify their gender, sexual orientation and percentage of time they orgasm with a familiar partner on a scale of zero to 100.

Although responses from the male participants did not vary much based on sexual orientation — heterosexual men reported an 85.5 percent orgasm rate, gay men 84.7 percent, and bisexual men 77.6 percent — responses from women showed notable variation. While heterosexual women reported orgasming 61.6 percent of the time and bisexual women reported 58 percent, lesbian women had the highest orgasm rate at 74.7 percent.

Of course the researchers examined possible reasons for their findings.

Self-identified lesbian women are more comfortable and familiar with the female body and thus, on average, are better able to induce orgasm in their female partners. Other reasonings include: length of the sexual encounter, attitude towards gender, sexual roles during intercourse and possible hormonal differences.

Perhaps these reasons are justified. Or we can just stroke our pink little egos and gloat our way into the warm, inviting -climaxing- world of our lovers.

 

Gee, Thanks Cosmo!

So, the classic celeb-gossip-ish, fashionista-ish, how-to-blow-your-man’s-mind-ish, shrink-your-chin-in-5-moves-ish, trash magazine took their eyes off the straight gal’s ass for a minute, and went diving into our world instead. Muff diving, that is. Cosmopolitan magazine produced a handy dandy guide entitled, 28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions, on the online version of their mag.

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The illustrations are nothing short of creative, and the positions are, well, intriguing at the very least. Upon reviewing the readers’ comments, some women disagree with how realistic some of the positions are. Others were just happy that this article even exists. Gotta say, I agree with the latter. I mean, when it comes to lesbian sex, how can you really go wrong?

 

Worldpride 2014 Means a Road Trip to Toronto!

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Worldpride 2014 was hosted by the lively city of Toronto, located in Ontario, Canada. Known as “The City That Works”, Toronto definitely worked for me as I jumped on the chance to pack up my BFF and take ourselves on a little road trip. Rainbow-clad everything, foxy Canadian girls, art exhibits, the most fabulous drag queens, and of course some of my all time favorite musical acts. Yes, I was definitely in.

We live in Michigan, so it was about a 4 hour drive one-way, so we got an early start. We drove into a nearby town, then took a train into the heart of the city. Because I work full time and motherhood consumes the rest of my time, I was only able to attend the last day of Worldpride. But any time is better than no time, right?

Upon arrival, you could just feel the movement in the air. In a sea of intoxicating color were thousands of jubilant, sparkling, beautiful people! It was truly amazing how the whole city supports the event. Stores were decorated with rainbow balloons and painted windows. Building surfaces were covered with stunning murals handcrafted by talented artisans specifically for pride. Every bar, every boutique, law firms, insurance agencies, and even the grocery store – all completely embellished and dedicated to serving the community. A true sense of unity presented itself.

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The pride parade was like none I’ve seen before. 350 floats, representing different countries from around the world, danced their way throughout the city streets.securedownload (21)

 

The creativity and hard work applied to these concoctions were done with love, by people who are proud of who they are. I loved it.

 

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Being the music junkie that I am, my favorite part was the closing ceremony. As you already know, I have an absolute insane Tegan and Sara obsession. They were the headlining act. Other favorites of mine include God-Des and She, and Hunter Valentine. I have many musician crushes! All of the acts were incredible and definitely brought energy to the crowd, even when we got caught in a massive downpour. The icing on the cake was the gorgeous rainbow the rain produced!

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Overall, Worldpride 2014 was an incredible experience. I will absolutely cherish this forever. The best part of it all was the feeling you get from taking it all in. Of course there were a handful of protestors, but even they couldn’t bring us down. It was interesting to see other countries -countries with a great deal of oppression and hate- step forward and show that their colors don’t run. That they, too, have a right to be proud of who they are.

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Next year, New York City is hosting Worldpride. I highly recommend packing up your own BFF and taking that trip.

 

 

 

Perspective for Pride Month

It’s Pride time again! I found this on a friend’s Facebook.
Makes you think. (Hopefully) makes others think.

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Sexual Assault PSA is a Step in the Right Direction

The latest PSA is rather compelling, and this issue affects women (and men) everywhere. It doesn’t matter if you are straight, gay, bi, or questioning. It doesn’t matter if you are black, white, pink, or purple. It doesn’t matter if you are rich, poor, fat, skinny, short, or tall. Sexual assault is happening. It is a crime and it is wrong. It robs the lives of it’s victims. No means no. Check out the video to see some of our favorite men setting the record straight. Remember- 1 is 2 many.

 

Kristen Stewart Finally Joining Our Team?

The latest buzz about one of my not so secret celeb crushes, Kristen Stewart, is that she is indeed dating her gal pal, Alicia Cargile. I don’t always write about celebrity gossip, but I’ve been a dedicated Krisbian for years. So, let’s savor this unconfirmed piece of information and give Kristen a warm welcome.

 

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Do You Know Your Sexual Standards?

How important is sex in your life? What kind of sex life do you want? Have you ever given it much thought?

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We all set standards for our lives. We know the kind of person we want to be with- or not be with. We decided which people we would- and would not- accept as friends. We relish on personal standards regarding appearance. For instance, I’m totally one of those gals who hate to leave the house without at least a teensy bit of makeup. We have made decisions of where we like to hang out, how much money we’d shell out for a car, what we do for employment, and what side of ourselves we show to others. But what about our sexual standards? What we like sexually? Desires? Sexual values? I’d say we don’t give this area the focus it deserves.

It is important to know what you enjoy, sexually, what you don’t, what you’re comfortable with, and what you want in a partner. Standards are not just about boundaries. The definition of ‘standard’ is ‘a level of quality or attainment’. Something you like and accept into your life. What sexual qualities do you look for in a partner?

Here is a comprehensive list of sexual standards from the book, The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, by Felice Newman.

  • Erotic attraction. Heat. Someone for whom you feel powerful sexual desire.
  • Sexual compatibility. Your favored sexual activities needn’t match up like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, but it helps to be playing the same game.
  • Willingness to try new things– that’s what makes it possible for you to grow sexually, both individually and together.
  • Openness to discussion about what you like, don’t like, what you need, how you feel, your sexual histories, STDs, safer sex- even if the conversation is awkward or uncomfortable. Good communication deepens sexual relationship.
  • Respect for both herself and you. That’s limits and desires- especially respect for those she does not share. This also includes respecting your physical and emotional health concerns.
  • Sexual honesty. This is required for your emotional safety. It’s also the bottom line for couples who forgo safer sex practices, instead choosing to be monogamous or fluid-bonded.
  • Ability to listen to not just the words, but the intention. Listening is more than just waiting your turn to speak.
  • Embodiment. You do not have to be a goddess of sensuality or a practitioner of Tantra to be in touch with bodily sensations. Regardless of your level of sexual experience, your disabilities and physical limitations, and even a history of dissociation, you can learn how to live in your body as a sensate being.

What other standards can you add to this list?

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I think we all should check in and take personal inventory of ourselves as sexual beings. What are your desires anyway? How do you like to be touched? Are you a top or a bottom? A switch? Do you like butch girls? Bois? Lipstick lesbians? S & M? Toys? Massage? Do you like to experiment? Are you shy? What are your fantasies?

Once you establish your own set of sexual standards, make a commitment to live by them. Declare what you want in a sexual relationship, and make those connections with others. Sex can be so fulfilling when you are confident in what you welcome.

Please feel free to comment and share your own thoughts on sexual standards.

 

Super Fly Dyke?

They say you can tell a lot about a dyke by her hair. What, exactly, I do not know. Either way, how do you like my new do?

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Queer Beauty Queen

A remarkable and groundbreaking event recently took place when former Miss America finalist, Djuan Trent, came out as ‘queer’. Although she wasn’t out during her reign as Miss Kentucky, her choice to come out at all is a first in the pageant’s history. She is the first known beauty pageant contestant to publicly announce being a lesbian.

2011 Miss America Pageant

I don’t always talk about freshly out famous people. Mainly because it’s hard to keep up with all of the newbies due to so many taking that refreshing step of coming out. But this is more than just a celebrity outing, this is a step in history. This breaks the barriers created by stereotypes.

Djuan Trent was crowned Miss Kentucky in 2010 and competed in the 2011 Miss America competition, representing her home state. She recently wrote an entry on her blog, revealing her biggest secret.

“So…back to my initial thought. For months, I have been contemplating how I would write this post, how I would position it, when would be the right time to post it. Should I make it funny? Should I make it mysterious? Should I make it serious? Should I pick a special date to do it? Should I build some kind of anticipation around it? Hmmm…ain’t nobody got time for that. I have written and re-written and deleted and restarted this post more times than I care to share, and after all of that I have finally realized: “There ain’t nothin’ to it, but to do it.” So, here we go folks…

I am queer.”

Trent received a lot of backlash for her declaration, she also received a great deal of support. Her decision to come out started to enter her mind during Kentucky’s legal debate on equal rights for same sex couples.

Other pageant contestants have come out in the past, however Dejuan is the only one who has won her state title and participated in the national competition for Miss America.

I mentioned stereotypes above because when thinking of the ideal Miss America, one typically imagines a stunningly beautiful, feminine, glammed up, smiley, barbie doll type of woman. Not exactly the stereotypical ideals of a lesbian. Dyke Barbie? Not so much. But the truth is lesbians do not fit into such rigid parameters. We come in all shapes, sizes, dipsticks, and lipsticks. And evidently beauty pageants as well. Now, I don’t know much about beauty pageants, and I’m sure many of you think unfavorably of them, due to the patriarchal standards backing the pageant industry. But that is another topic for another time. I am now looking at equal opportunity institutions and giving these women the strength to be their very best. For my own lack of knowledge, I will assume these competitions offer that to the wonderful women who partake.

Frankly, I’m proud that Djuan Trent was comfortable enough to come out after being the center of such a feminine arena.  I remember living in the closet when I worked at an all female salon, terrified of the straight women viewing me as perverse or being afraid of me. It seems silly now, but that was a different time, and stereotypes often lead to prejudice so, I played it safe.

I think we can all learn something from Djuan Trent. She is a strong, brave woman, who had the courage to be her true self and share that with the world. I hope more girls can see her as a role model, as Miss Kentucky and as a queer woman.

From GF to BFF: The Lesbian Ex Factor

Girls. Girlfriends. Ex-girlfriends. Friends. Best friends. Sigh…Girls. Can lesbians really be friends with their exes? I’d like to think so, but some others don’t see it possible. Either way, the undeniable truth is that most of us are indeed friends with our ex-girlfriends.

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So, why are we friends with the ex, anyway?
One reason I really think lesbians remain friends with their exes is because as females, we tend to form a natural bond- a sisterhood, if you will. When we become close with another female, we open up on an intimate level, whether that female be a friend or something more. We develop feelings for this other person, whether we’re in love with her or not. Feelings can include nurturing, affection, admiration, and ultimately an attachment develops. When a relationship dissipates, that attachment doesn’t necessarily go away, thus we hang on to some of the feelings for this other person. Us women tend to be connected to our maternal side, whether we know it or not, and we still care for our ex as a whole person, not just as a girlfriend. The end result- a friendship with the ex. Or at least an attempt at a friendship with the ex.

How Does it Work?

Lesbians will do anything to keep in touch with their ex-girlfriends. Of course that doesn’t describe you, right? Common scenarios such as making a point to ‘return her stuff that she left behind’, or checking in with a mutual friend ‘to see if she is doing okay’, or showing up at her favorite lesbian bar on her only night off to ‘accidentally’ bump into her. If you deny doing any of this, then you at least know someone who has. This could be the budding start of fitting back into her life, or it could push her further away from you. Or it could lead to a restraining order.

You two have broken up, but you are still sleeping together. As friends. You both (most likely one of you) have agreed that the relationship can’t work. But you still want to reap the benefits of the sexual relationship you share. Sex with the ex. As pleasurable as it is dangerous.
Why it works- You know each other, you know what feels good, you share an element of trust, it’s comfortable, and the ‘in-between’ love and casual sex kind of feels good. You can reap the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities.
Why it doesn’t work- One of you will start dating someone else. It will then be evident that the sex with the ex arrangement was indeed temporary, and whether you want to or not, feelings will be affected.

Your ex is friends with your friends. We know that all too often us dykes travel in many of the same circles. I don’t know what it is- maybe because there are fewer gathering ports in which the lesbian community can be social, in comparison to our hetero peers. When your ex-girlfriend is part of your group of friends, it can be very difficult. Awkward isn’t even the word for the mutual friends when the two of you have to be in each other’s presence for the first couple of times. Sometimes friends feel pressure to take sides when there is a break up in the group. I believe that sometimes continuing participation in the group can actually help for two exes to form a new friendship. Without fail, there is sure to be a healthy chunk of lesbian drama to choke down!

9f0d3615328bcd11b08c70f6f1017d07What You Need to Consider

She will start dating again. Without you. And it will feel like a punch in the gut. No matter how close you two are as friends, it isn’t going to feel good. You will feel jealous, even though you know you have no right to be upset. You will feel left out, even though this is just her moving on. And as her friend, you need to not be bitter, but supportive. I admit that I have shown my fair share of attitude toward my best friend/ex-girlfriend when she started dating back when we had first broken up. I’d always point out her new girlfriend’s flaws and give my assessment on how they do not belong together. I didn’t want to be with her, but I didn’t like any girl she was with either.

You will be in a situation where your partner is friends with her ex. And it will suck. My wife and I have gone in exhausting circles with this one. She gets upset when I’m friends with certain exes because she insists they still have feelings for me. I argue and tell her she’s just paranoid, that we’re good friends. Then you know what happens? She buddies up with a few of her ex-girlfriends. And the heat inside me rises every time I have to see any of them. I know the back stories. I know how it ended. And I know that feelings still hang in the air like really adorable smog. Yet I know I can’t ask her to give these friendships up either.

Making it Work

Friendship works best when you both have moved on. When you each have begun dating someone else, it’s the permission slip to let go of pent up feelings and be okay with each other. This gives you each the assurance that romantic feelings are no longer there, or at least they’re tucked away respectively.

Have a talk with your ex about feelings and boundaries. If you two are serious about being friends, then you should be able to talk about it. You no doubt care about each other, you have history, and you don’t want to lose each other. You need to clear the air of any residual feelings or attraction you may or may not have for each other. It’s wise to be on an even keel. Now is also the time to take into consideration any new partners and their feelings.

Avoid lesbian love triangles. I laugh out loud on this one. Sure I give this advice, though I have seldom followed it. Basically if you want to be friends with exes, don’t date their exes, or their exes exes, etc. It equates to boatloads of lesbo drama in a handbag. I have been in dating situations where my girlfriend was the ex of one of my ex girlfriends. I’ve also been in a situation where I was dating two girls, who were in fact dating each other, yet each of them didn’t know about their relationship with me. A genuine triangle. I’ll stop here.
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If you are going to be friends, then act like friends. In other words don’t sleep with each other- even if you are both single, incredibly horny, and feel you have nothing to lose. Confusing boundaries and accidentally rekindling feelings can be dangerous and someone could get hurt.

Introduce her as your friend, not your ex-girlfriend. It’s habit to refer to her as your ex, but if you keep doing this out loud, that’s all she’ll ever be. You wanna be friends, right? So make her your friend and leave it at that.

Be a good friend. Treat her like any other friend you have. No, treat her better. I don’t mean favor her. But be genuine with her and support her. Have fun with her and be there when she needs  a shoulder to cry on. Listen if she wants to bitch about her co-worker. Have her back.

Word on the Street

I asked some local lesbians’ opinions on being friends with the ex. Here’s what they said:

“Exes always treat each other the same way they did when they were dating. Whether it’s sweet or bitchy, they always talk to each other differently than they do other people. That connection doesn’t go away.”

“Being friends with an ex completely depends on their personalities and the reason for the break up. If there was a broken heart, then it’s probably not a good idea, but if it was mutual, then it’s worth a shot.”

“I do not think you can be friends with your exes because I think you always care about that person in a different way than you would [your] friends whom you do not have or had an intimate relationship with. You can ultimately spark those feelings again without meaning to, making life confusing, even if it’s not what you really want.”

“It is okay if you are friends at a distance, or have mutual friends. But it doesn’t work if you are close friends.”

“Two can meet and have a super strong bond and get along great but because they are lesbians they think it’s that special ‘she’s the one’ feeling, and really it’s just a meant to be friendship. If they can end the ‘something more’ part and be friends, then why not? Why lose a great person from your life just because you used to sleep together?”

I’d love to hear your feedback on this topic! Leave a comment on your experience!

Tegan Quin Loves Being Queer

One thing you will learn about me is that I love Tegan and Sara. No, I’m obsessed with Tegan and Sara.  Not new teeny bopper “omg I love that song, Closer” kind of love. More like the 13 year “hyperventilating as they bust out old school acoustic riffs in small venues” kind of love. Oh and I’m dating Sara Quin. Yeah and Tegan Quin. Individually.

Anyway, I really love this video of Tegan talking about how much she loves being queer. It’s uplifting. And adorable.

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