Skinny, tall, bathed in patchouly, she smiled as I approached. Little did I know she was wearing tiny, booty-bearing Calvin Klein panties under her boyish jeans. She wore them for me. She greeted me with a strong embrace. That dimpled smile gleamed with sexiness. Nervous as shit, I did not let on that I changed my outfit six times before I drove to her apartment.
She picked me up and twirled me around as she carried me into the door. Her apartment was clean and a candle flickered on a large glass coffee table. We got cozy on the couch and she went to turn on some music. Portishead. She seduced me with Portishead. The ambiance was sensational.
The hours flew by and the conversation flowed. My nerves never really calmed down, but I was careful to play it cool. I didn’t want her to know I’ve had a crush on her since high school. As the time went by, we crept closer to one another. I could not fathom that this girl actually might like me.
Then in one smooth, yet swift motion, our lips collided. The heat overtook me now and her mouth was beyond delectable. Evidently this beautiful girl felt it too, because her hands were making their way beneath my shirt. The scent of passion filled the air, and we joined together like one hot lava-filled volcano. I think she tried to trick me by buckling her belt to the side, but I must have showed up her game because I got them off with one hand, while my other hand was removing her bra, unveiling two incredibly perky, small pink breasts. We somehow made our way to the bedroom, where the rest of the clothes hit the floor.
I’ll never forget that she made a point to have the light on. This was a new side of confidence that I can’t remember experiencing before. This also allowed me to experience the sight of the most delicious body I’ve ever laid my eyes on. This girl was simply breathtaking. This is also where I discovered the teeny tiny panties, and the way the bottom of her cheeks hung out just a little. An image I can never forget.
We were wild. We were intense. I was still nervous, and convinced that I was all over the place. She felt fucking amazing, and tasted even better. We moved in a harmonious rhythm, like we had done this before. Like we had invented it. It was fucking-yes- but also so much more. Lovemaking? Maybe. But that would sound too much like a dyke fairytale. It was more like an event. And we bought the only front row tickets. A sold out performance. I swear fireworks went off when she came. And she returned the favor, sending a million of my nerve endings into orbit. Was she real?
The next morning I woke up in her bed. I looked around. She was not in the room. Oh my god. I’m in her bed. The girl I had dreamed about for years. And we just had incredible sex, then held each other all night long. I was tripping. Then came the flood of self doubt. I was instantly convinced this was a one night stand and the girl of my dreams didn’t really like me.
As I was starting to get dressed and prepare to drown in my sorrows somewhere else, she came into the room with a fresh cup of coffee- and placed a sweet, long kiss on my mouth. Again, that smile. Those dimples. She said she had an amazing night, she thanked me for staying over, and she asked when she could see me again. I couldn’t believe it.
Well believe it. That night was the first night I spent with my wife. The girl of my dreams. The girl who made me nervous and rocked my world. I write about this now because last week was the eight year anniversary of that magical night. I remember everything about it. She was adorable and sexy. She is even more adorable and sexy now. Still has the smile and the dimples. I love this woman more and more every day. Happy anniversary, Beautiful.
The latest buzz about one of my not so secret celeb crushes, Kristen Stewart, is that she is indeed dating her gal pal, Alicia Cargile. I don’t always write about celebrity gossip, but I’ve been a dedicated Krisbian for years. So, let’s savor this unconfirmed piece of information and give Kristen a warm welcome.
When I speak of my single life, I sound like a 50 year old man glorifying his high school football days. I get all glossy-eyed and lost in my own swollen head. I think I sound hot. Seasoned. I reminisce on when I was dating four girls at the same time. On the good dyke clubs “back in the day”. I think I am impressing the 21 year olds that landed in my circle. Like these baby dykes can learn a thing or two from this veteran clit licker. I remember how attractive I used to be with my tan and tiny clothes. I was an avid teeth bleacher. My legs (and more) were always shaved. It was a serious case of “too many girls, too little time”.
Maybe I do sound cool. I don’t know, it’s possible. Or maybe I just sound old.
Truth is, I haven’t been single in eight years. And truth is, I’m okay with it. In fact, I have been married to my wife for almost seven years and we have a baby boy. We own real estate. And a dog. We don’t get drunk and we have a bedtime. I wear comfortable clothes.
I don’t know if people are impressed with the image of the former me. I don’t know if I miss her. I don’t know if I think that if I were single today, that it would be the same as it was. Because the reality is that it would be nothing like it used to be. I sincerely laugh at my fantasy of the younger, goddess-like version of me. The thing is, I have changed. Single, married, or whatever. I’m not the same person that I once was. And it has nothing to do with whether I was a fresh little lezzie or not. It has everything to do with growing up. My priorities went from phone numbers to anniversaries, from new club music to nursery rhymes, from panties to diapers. You catch my drift.
Maybe we all like to hang on to something from our youthful counterparts. I mean, isn’t that what the media and commercialism want us to do? Look younger! Feel younger! Maybe because I’ve had so many changes in these last eight years, that it just seems recreational to embrace a memory or two. Frankly, I enjoy remembering the days where things happened a little faster, women were a little more prevalent, and I was a little shinier.
And as far as I’m concerned, there is nothing wrong with that. Okay okay, and I was a ripe little hottie. There, I said it.
Girls. Girlfriends. Ex-girlfriends. Friends. Best friends. Sigh…Girls. Can lesbians really be friends with their exes? I’d like to think so, but some others don’t see it possible. Either way, the undeniable truth is that most of us are indeed friends with our ex-girlfriends.
So, why are we friends with the ex, anyway?
One reason I really think lesbians remain friends with their exes is because as females, we tend to form a natural bond- a sisterhood, if you will. When we become close with another female, we open up on an intimate level, whether that female be a friend or something more. We develop feelings for this other person, whether we’re in love with her or not. Feelings can include nurturing, affection, admiration, and ultimately an attachment develops. When a relationship dissipates, that attachment doesn’t necessarily go away, thus we hang on to some of the feelings for this other person. Us women tend to be connected to our maternal side, whether we know it or not, and we still care for our ex as a whole person, not just as a girlfriend. The end result- a friendship with the ex. Or at least an attempt at a friendship with the ex.
How Does it Work?
Lesbians will do anything to keep in touch with their ex-girlfriends. Of course that doesn’t describe you, right? Common scenarios such as making a point to ‘return her stuff that she left behind’, or checking in with a mutual friend ‘to see if she is doing okay’, or showing up at her favorite lesbian bar on her only night off to ‘accidentally’ bump into her. If you deny doing any of this, then you at least know someone who has. This could be the budding start of fitting back into her life, or it could push her further away from you. Or it could lead to a restraining order.
You two have broken up, but you are still sleeping together. As friends. You both (most likely one of you) have agreed that the relationship can’t work. But you still want to reap the benefits of the sexual relationship you share. Sex with the ex. As pleasurable as it is dangerous.
Why it works- You know each other, you know what feels good, you share an element of trust, it’s comfortable, and the ‘in-between’ love and casual sex kind of feels good. You can reap the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities.
Why it doesn’t work- One of you will start dating someone else. It will then be evident that the sex with the ex arrangement was indeed temporary, and whether you want to or not, feelings will be affected.
Your ex is friends with your friends. We know that all too often us dykes travel in many of the same circles. I don’t know what it is- maybe because there are fewer gathering ports in which the lesbian community can be social, in comparison to our hetero peers. When your ex-girlfriend is part of your group of friends, it can be very difficult. Awkward isn’t even the word for the mutual friends when the two of you have to be in each other’s presence for the first couple of times. Sometimes friends feel pressure to take sides when there is a break up in the group. I believe that sometimes continuing participation in the group can actually help for two exes to form a new friendship. Without fail, there is sure to be a healthy chunk of lesbian drama to choke down!
She will start dating again. Without you. And it will feel like a punch in the gut. No matter how close you two are as friends, it isn’t going to feel good. You will feel jealous, even though you know you have no right to be upset. You will feel left out, even though this is just her moving on. And as her friend, you need to not be bitter, but supportive. I admit that I have shown my fair share of attitude toward my best friend/ex-girlfriend when she started dating back when we had first broken up. I’d always point out her new girlfriend’s flaws and give my assessment on how they do not belong together. I didn’t want to be with her, but I didn’t like any girl she was with either.
You will be in a situation where your partner is friends with her ex. And it will suck. My wife and I have gone in exhausting circles with this one. She gets upset when I’m friends with certain exes because she insists they still have feelings for me. I argue and tell her she’s just paranoid, that we’re good friends. Then you know what happens? She buddies up with a few of her ex-girlfriends. And the heat inside me rises every time I have to see any of them. I know the back stories. I know how it ended. And I know that feelings still hang in the air like really adorable smog. Yet I know I can’t ask her to give these friendships up either.
Making it Work
Friendship works best when you both have moved on. When you each have begun dating someone else, it’s the permission slip to let go of pent up feelings and be okay with each other. This gives you each the assurance that romantic feelings are no longer there, or at least they’re tucked away respectively.
Have a talk with your ex about feelings and boundaries. If you two are serious about being friends, then you should be able to talk about it. You no doubt care about each other, you have history, and you don’t want to lose each other. You need to clear the air of any residual feelings or attraction you may or may not have for each other. It’s wise to be on an even keel. Now is also the time to take into consideration any new partners and their feelings.
Avoid lesbian love triangles. I laugh out loud on this one. Sure I give this advice, though I have seldom followed it. Basically if you want to be friends with exes, don’t date their exes, or their exes exes, etc. It equates to boatloads of lesbo drama in a handbag. I have been in dating situations where my girlfriend was the ex of one of my ex girlfriends. I’ve also been in a situation where I was dating two girls, who were in fact dating each other, yet each of them didn’t know about their relationship with me. A genuine triangle. I’ll stop here.
If you are going to be friends, then act like friends. In other words don’t sleep with each other- even if you are both single, incredibly horny, and feel you have nothing to lose. Confusing boundaries and accidentally rekindling feelings can be dangerous and someone could get hurt.
Introduce her as your friend, not your ex-girlfriend. It’s habit to refer to her as your ex, but if you keep doing this out loud, that’s all she’ll ever be. You wanna be friends, right? So make her your friend and leave it at that.
Be a good friend. Treat her like any other friend you have. No, treat her better. I don’t mean favor her. But be genuine with her and support her. Have fun with her and be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Listen if she wants to bitch about her co-worker. Have her back.
Word on the Street
I asked some local lesbians’ opinions on being friends with the ex. Here’s what they said:
“Exes always treat each other the same way they did when they were dating. Whether it’s sweet or bitchy, they always talk to each other differently than they do other people. That connection doesn’t go away.”
“Being friends with an ex completely depends on their personalities and the reason for the break up. If there was a broken heart, then it’s probably not a good idea, but if it was mutual, then it’s worth a shot.”
“I do not think you can be friends with your exes because I think you always care about that person in a different way than you would [your] friends whom you do not have or had an intimate relationship with. You can ultimately spark those feelings again without meaning to, making life confusing, even if it’s not what you really want.”
“It is okay if you are friends at a distance, or have mutual friends. But it doesn’t work if you are close friends.”
“Two can meet and have a super strong bond and get along great but because they are lesbians they think it’s that special ‘she’s the one’ feeling, and really it’s just a meant to be friendship. If they can end the ‘something more’ part and be friends, then why not? Why lose a great person from your life just because you used to sleep together?”