It’s been quite tantalizing in the news lately, as far as lady bits are concerned. The Journal of Sexual Medicine recently confirmed lesbians experience the most orgasms, while Cosmo provided us with 28 mind-blowing lezzie sex positions. Whew! I’m getting hot already!
The Numbers Are In…
Like we really needed science to tell us that we rule in bed. I suppose I can only speak from my own experience, but my lady can attest that I never leave her hanging. And, well, I always get mine as well. Often more than once.
According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine,
Researchers collected responses via a 2011 online questionnaire from 6,151 men and women between the ages of 21 and 65. They then only analyzed those responses of a smaller subsample of 2,850 singles — including 1,497 men and 1,353 women — who had sex within the past 12 months. Participants were asked to identify their gender, sexual orientation and percentage of time they orgasm with a familiar partner on a scale of zero to 100.
Although responses from the male participants did not vary much based on sexual orientation — heterosexual men reported an 85.5 percent orgasm rate, gay men 84.7 percent, and bisexual men 77.6 percent — responses from women showed notable variation. While heterosexual women reported orgasming 61.6 percent of the time and bisexual women reported 58 percent, lesbian women had the highest orgasm rate at 74.7 percent.
Of course the researchers examined possible reasons for their findings.
Self-identified lesbian women are more comfortable and familiar with the female body and thus, on average, are better able to induce orgasm in their female partners. Other reasonings include: length of the sexual encounter, attitude towards gender, sexual roles during intercourse and possible hormonal differences.
Perhaps these reasons are justified. Or we can just stroke our pink little egos and gloat our way into the warm, inviting -climaxing- world of our lovers.
Gee, Thanks Cosmo!
So, the classic celeb-gossip-ish, fashionista-ish, how-to-blow-your-man’s-mind-ish, shrink-your-chin-in-5-moves-ish, trash magazine took their eyes off the straight gal’s ass for a minute, and went diving into our world instead. Muff diving, that is. Cosmopolitan magazine produced a handy dandy guide entitled, 28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions, on the online version of their mag.
The illustrations are nothing short of creative, and the positions are, well, intriguing at the very least. Upon reviewing the readers’ comments, some women disagree with how realistic some of the positions are. Others were just happy that this article even exists. Gotta say, I agree with the latter. I mean, when it comes to lesbian sex, how can you really go wrong?
I first got “Jonesed” in 2000. I was a senior and she was a freshman. A very audacious little freshman because I was hot shit my senior year. Now this is dating back almost 15 years, so it was a different time. At that time, the only out lesbian couple was myself and my then girlfriend. We were very popular (as a couple) and surrounded by attention and controversy. Sweet, smooth talking freshman, Christina Jones, found it all to be very infectious, and thus a little baby dyke was born.
Jones had an annoying habit of following my girlfriend and I around, hoping to pick up lesbo tips, I assume. Well, that, or strands of hair. Then one Monday morning, at the start of a new semester, Christina Jones and I were to report to the same homeroom, down a long, desolate hallway, in the back of the building. She didn’t talk to me in class, mainly because her friends didn’t know about her infatuation, and because she was intimidated.
What happens next will forever go down into the herstory books. Upon exiting the classroom, I swung into the girls restroom. As I finished my business and stepped out of the stall, I was taken by complete surprise as I was pushed up against a wall and passionately kissed on the mouth. Caught completely off guard, I could not speak, just look at the ballsy freshman, who smiled and turned away out of the room. I could not believe this little freshman had the courage and audacity to make such a move on a big freshman. I didn’t know to feel victimized or impressed.
Years passed, and I didn’t keep in touch with Christina Jones. I think I saw her at a pride festival here and there, but nothing was ever spoken of her ladies room stunt. Then one night in 2005, I was at a new dyke club with the girl I was dating. It was a hot club and the place was packed. I suddenly got the feeling of eyes on me. My premonition was correct, and a smooth talking baby dyke was dancing next to me. Sporting a rainbow belt and ponytail, she gave me this huge grin and introduced me to her girlfriend. I thought it was sweet that she could be out of the closet, living an open life, that she had grown up.
The bar was about to close so my girl and I hit the restroom before heading home. Did my business, stepped out of the stall, and BAM! Pushed up against a wall and intensely kissed, full on, on my mouth. I looked at Jones and, again, had no words. My girlfriend was still in the bathroom stall. She hadn’t seen any of the kiss attack. Christina Jones had “Jonesed” me again! How the fuck did I allow this to happen twice? I haven’t talked to this girl in five years!
Next came the era of Facebook, and Christina Jones and I had become ‘friends’, along with a hundred other people from my high school. We never communicate online, but she sees my information- like getting married and having a baby- and I see her info too- like moving out of state. Yes, Christina Jones moved to Kentucky. Not going to lie, seeing that produced a bit of relief.
Last night I went out to a bar for lesbian night with a couple of friends. It was my first night out since the baby was born, so I was ready to cut loose. Somehow my friends and I got onto the topic of Christina Jones, and the act of getting “Jonesed”. As we made our way to the ladies room, we joked to always watch your back in the bathroom at places like this. So I did my business, and stepped out of the stall, to find a long line of cuties waiting for their turn. The bathroom attendant handed me some paper towel and I walked out.
And there she was. Fucking Christina Jones, not in Kentucky. In my bar. With my guard up a little, I smiled and we started conversing. The way I saw it, we weren’t in a bathroom, there were people around, and she knows I’m married. We started to joke about the sneaky smoothness of her prior convictions. Okay, cool. The trend is over and we are officially grown ups. Then, mid fucking sentence- BAM!…
Christina Jones is officially my master. She kissed me in front of everyone and I was stupidly caught off guard. I can’t believe I got “Jonesed” a third fucking time.
I think it’s time to accept that I will randomly be ambushed every handful of years when I least expect it. It’s ridiculous and weird. It was entertaining when my friend bitch slapped her for kissing me, but that’s another story for a another day.
My warning to others is to steer clear of Christina Jones, especially in, around, or within 20 feet of a restroom. Rumor has it there have been others who have been “Jonesed” as well. I’m sure I’m the only three-striker.
*Names have been changed to ensure privacy. And so I don’t get hunted down.
Girls. Girlfriends. Ex-girlfriends. Friends. Best friends. Sigh…Girls. Can lesbians really be friends with their exes? I’d like to think so, but some others don’t see it possible. Either way, the undeniable truth is that most of us are indeed friends with our ex-girlfriends.
So, why are we friends with the ex, anyway?
One reason I really think lesbians remain friends with their exes is because as females, we tend to form a natural bond- a sisterhood, if you will. When we become close with another female, we open up on an intimate level, whether that female be a friend or something more. We develop feelings for this other person, whether we’re in love with her or not. Feelings can include nurturing, affection, admiration, and ultimately an attachment develops. When a relationship dissipates, that attachment doesn’t necessarily go away, thus we hang on to some of the feelings for this other person. Us women tend to be connected to our maternal side, whether we know it or not, and we still care for our ex as a whole person, not just as a girlfriend. The end result- a friendship with the ex. Or at least an attempt at a friendship with the ex.
How Does it Work?
Lesbians will do anything to keep in touch with their ex-girlfriends. Of course that doesn’t describe you, right? Common scenarios such as making a point to ‘return her stuff that she left behind’, or checking in with a mutual friend ‘to see if she is doing okay’, or showing up at her favorite lesbian bar on her only night off to ‘accidentally’ bump into her. If you deny doing any of this, then you at least know someone who has. This could be the budding start of fitting back into her life, or it could push her further away from you. Or it could lead to a restraining order.
You two have broken up, but you are still sleeping together. As friends. You both (most likely one of you) have agreed that the relationship can’t work. But you still want to reap the benefits of the sexual relationship you share. Sex with the ex. As pleasurable as it is dangerous.
Why it works- You know each other, you know what feels good, you share an element of trust, it’s comfortable, and the ‘in-between’ love and casual sex kind of feels good. You can reap the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities.
Why it doesn’t work- One of you will start dating someone else. It will then be evident that the sex with the ex arrangement was indeed temporary, and whether you want to or not, feelings will be affected.
Your ex is friends with your friends. We know that all too often us dykes travel in many of the same circles. I don’t know what it is- maybe because there are fewer gathering ports in which the lesbian community can be social, in comparison to our hetero peers. When your ex-girlfriend is part of your group of friends, it can be very difficult. Awkward isn’t even the word for the mutual friends when the two of you have to be in each other’s presence for the first couple of times. Sometimes friends feel pressure to take sides when there is a break up in the group. I believe that sometimes continuing participation in the group can actually help for two exes to form a new friendship. Without fail, there is sure to be a healthy chunk of lesbian drama to choke down!
She will start dating again. Without you. And it will feel like a punch in the gut. No matter how close you two are as friends, it isn’t going to feel good. You will feel jealous, even though you know you have no right to be upset. You will feel left out, even though this is just her moving on. And as her friend, you need to not be bitter, but supportive. I admit that I have shown my fair share of attitude toward my best friend/ex-girlfriend when she started dating back when we had first broken up. I’d always point out her new girlfriend’s flaws and give my assessment on how they do not belong together. I didn’t want to be with her, but I didn’t like any girl she was with either.
You will be in a situation where your partner is friends with her ex. And it will suck. My wife and I have gone in exhausting circles with this one. She gets upset when I’m friends with certain exes because she insists they still have feelings for me. I argue and tell her she’s just paranoid, that we’re good friends. Then you know what happens? She buddies up with a few of her ex-girlfriends. And the heat inside me rises every time I have to see any of them. I know the back stories. I know how it ended. And I know that feelings still hang in the air like really adorable smog. Yet I know I can’t ask her to give these friendships up either.
Making it Work
Friendship works best when you both have moved on. When you each have begun dating someone else, it’s the permission slip to let go of pent up feelings and be okay with each other. This gives you each the assurance that romantic feelings are no longer there, or at least they’re tucked away respectively.
Have a talk with your ex about feelings and boundaries. If you two are serious about being friends, then you should be able to talk about it. You no doubt care about each other, you have history, and you don’t want to lose each other. You need to clear the air of any residual feelings or attraction you may or may not have for each other. It’s wise to be on an even keel. Now is also the time to take into consideration any new partners and their feelings.
Avoid lesbian love triangles. I laugh out loud on this one. Sure I give this advice, though I have seldom followed it. Basically if you want to be friends with exes, don’t date their exes, or their exes exes, etc. It equates to boatloads of lesbo drama in a handbag. I have been in dating situations where my girlfriend was the ex of one of my ex girlfriends. I’ve also been in a situation where I was dating two girls, who were in fact dating each other, yet each of them didn’t know about their relationship with me. A genuine triangle. I’ll stop here.
If you are going to be friends, then act like friends. In other words don’t sleep with each other- even if you are both single, incredibly horny, and feel you have nothing to lose. Confusing boundaries and accidentally rekindling feelings can be dangerous and someone could get hurt.
Introduce her as your friend, not your ex-girlfriend. It’s habit to refer to her as your ex, but if you keep doing this out loud, that’s all she’ll ever be. You wanna be friends, right? So make her your friend and leave it at that.
Be a good friend. Treat her like any other friend you have. No, treat her better. I don’t mean favor her. But be genuine with her and support her. Have fun with her and be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Listen if she wants to bitch about her co-worker. Have her back.
Word on the Street
I asked some local lesbians’ opinions on being friends with the ex. Here’s what they said:
“Exes always treat each other the same way they did when they were dating. Whether it’s sweet or bitchy, they always talk to each other differently than they do other people. That connection doesn’t go away.”
“Being friends with an ex completely depends on their personalities and the reason for the break up. If there was a broken heart, then it’s probably not a good idea, but if it was mutual, then it’s worth a shot.”
“I do not think you can be friends with your exes because I think you always care about that person in a different way than you would [your] friends whom you do not have or had an intimate relationship with. You can ultimately spark those feelings again without meaning to, making life confusing, even if it’s not what you really want.”
“It is okay if you are friends at a distance, or have mutual friends. But it doesn’t work if you are close friends.”
“Two can meet and have a super strong bond and get along great but because they are lesbians they think it’s that special ‘she’s the one’ feeling, and really it’s just a meant to be friendship. If they can end the ‘something more’ part and be friends, then why not? Why lose a great person from your life just because you used to sleep together?”